Something's gotta give

I'm depressed. I have been for a long time. I never sought professional help because I really have a hard time asking for help and prefer to take matters into my own hands. And it's become something I've learned to live with. It's also something that comes and goes and doesn't always feel as strong at times than others. But i decided that I would finally talk about it.

I'm not suicidal. Don't worry about that. It's not a overwhelming sense of hopelessness. It's more of a apathetic numbness. But not completely numb. I still have a care for my well being and others. I still want to enjoy life. But depression makes it a little more difficult to seek and achieve enjoyment. It makes me tired. It makes me lazy. It allows me to fall into a rut and difficult to climb out of it. Routine becomes both comfort and enemy. I work a full time job. I come home. I watch tv with my girlfriend. I go to bed. I go to work. That is the routine. A job provides motivation to get out of bed in the morning, but because it's also filled with stress and physically/mentally exhausting work, it doesn't help me feel any less depressed. "Normacy" is easy. A change can sometimes be good to shake this up enough to get out of the rut but it also can come with it's own set of stressers and complications. Thinking too much about the stressers and complication associated with the change can make it more difficult to make it. 

The last time I fell in such a rut as I am in now was back before I decided to go to grad school. I was in a similar routine; go to work, come home, watch tv, go to bed, go to work... And work was a depressing place to be. Sure, I was in the job field I had hoped for upon graduating college: publishing company, working as a designer(production artist). The job should have and could have been great. But the work environment sucked away at my soul. Without getting into the details of corruption, nepotism, and the underpaid, cranky co-workers of the company... Let's just say, I needed to get out of there and given the collapsing job market, my best bet was to go back to school. 

It was a big decision and a big leap full of many complications and stressers (that i'm feeling the full weight of now but i'll get back to that) It had to be done and I was pushed from the comfy level of apathy to a dangerous enough low that a fight or flight reaction occurred in my subconscious and the walls of depression holding me back crumbed, allowing me to push forward and through this big Change. I told myself not to worry about the money. That's what loans were for. Do what needs to be done and just keep moving forward.

School provided a nice distraction from my depression. A creative sort of therapy. An outlet. It was a strong force of motivation that kept propelling me forward whether i liked it or not. But once school was over and I was back at a job that wasn't quite what I originally had hoped for, depression set in again. More lazy than before. I used the excuse that I "worked so hard in school I needed a break." But it's been almost a year since finishing grad school and the break has become a chasm. I use the excuse "I never have time." But I do have time, that I waste in bed or on the couch...or computer, though nothing productive. Sex feels like a chore and chores feel like punishment. 

The thing about depression is that is makes it very difficult to do the things that would help you feel less depressed. It's like a parasitic entity that is keeping you alive just enough for it to survive but still sucking the life out of you. Some might say "try making small changes or adjustments to your lifestyle" Sure, that seems easy enough. But often a small change means it's easy to go back to the way things were. ie; "I'm going to eat healthier"...two weeks later, you come home from work all tired, havent had a chance to do grocery shopping and gorging on greasy fast food/take-out sounds pretty good. or "I'm going to exercise more" ...cut to a rainy day, eh i'll go tomorrow. cut to the next day, a break felt nice i'll go tomorrow. cut to 3 weeks later, i haven't been to the gym in awhile but i don't really feel like going today. How does one break the cycle? In the past, I've made significant life changes to propel move forward. Though this worked to some extent, it wasn't a very lasting effect. Eventually, the change that had propelled me forward ended (school) or became a new norm(work) thus letting the rut form again.

So know I'm working on a new plan of action. First of all, narrowing in on the root(s) of my depression and then figuring out ways in which to resolve the problem. Making and completing small lists of simple changes that have a lasting effect. ex.. a possible root lays within my job and not feeling satisfied that I am positively contributing to the world and using my skills to the best of their abilities. A small thing I can start doing is seeing if there are other opportunities within the company that could fulfill my satisfaction. I already am getting promoted so that will ease some of the work load (ironically) as well as some of my financial pressures. Another general small thing would be to reduce some of my clutter. Almost all of my bills are done online so that has helped significant with keeping track of bill statements. I plan to get a file cabinet to store any paperwork important enough to hold on to, and throw out all the rest. I also plan to start going through stuff to get rid of or sell. My siblings have been talking about doing another yard sale. By setting a goal, it creates a motivation to complete it. Especially if that goal is held with another person. The desire to not let down others outweighs the procrastinative nature of my depression.

So...I do need help. But I say this hesitantly because I don't want the kind of help like "you should really talk to someone" "you should take [this medicine]" "you should change [this] in your life" You should try [this]" Or my lease favorite: "you should pray to God" Those are not helpful.  Don't tell me what I should do. I'll make that decision myself. I also have a slight case of OCD, and have trouble relinquishing control to others. There's also some underlying mother issues in relation to my sexuality complicated by the fact that she's passed and I never heard her say "I'm okay with you being gay." Though it was somewhat implied and that's what I have to cling to...So I don't need to pay $[amount] an hour for some "doctor" to tell me these things that I'm already aware of and fill me with a prescription of pills to help me "deal" with my issues by making me numb to them...or (again) telling me the things that I should or shouldn't do to make myself feel better as if by spending a couple hours with me make him/her some sort of expert on me. I apologize if I offend but I feel like the job of a psychiatrist is to think for those who can't think for themselves. And to proscribe "happy" pills. But i'm not under valuing them because there are a lot of people better off for listening to their doctor rather then the voices in their head. I'm merely stating that it's not for me and don't suggest it or I may scream and throw my feces at you like a deranged monkey. ...just kidding but please don't suggest it.

What you can do for me...or anyone in my similar position... is offer support. Ask them out to lunch or to do [that thing they enjoy but haven't be able to get up and do on their own]. Help them set and achieve their goals, but give them the opportunity to come up with their own ideas. Give them the control. Make them feel like they have the power within themselves and you are there to support them where they need it. Create a support network. By having a group of people they can lean on for support, they are not leaning all on one person, putting a lot of pressure to always be there. Understand that everyone is different and requires different ways of motivation. Some might need a routine, a weekly or monthly meeting. Some crave adventure and spontaneity, an out of the blue invite. I... need a little of both.

Commitment and routine are some of my strongest motivators. Scheduling a class would be a perfect example. I had the Fleisher class in the winter but missed the sign up for spring. I definitely can see a difference in my mood from when I was taking the class to not. A spontaneous invite to do something new and fun is a great way to get me motivated when I feel that routine has become too predictable and boring. A fair balance of these things is the beginning of a recipe for my happiness.

There is no God. Or at least, not in the sense that he/she is a magical fairy that will grant you the answers to your prayers if you worship real hard and follow all his/her rules. No. The rules were made by The Church. Somewhere along the line, someone realized that religion was a good way to motivate people into living by a code of ethics. Those ethics often benefiting the greater society. ie, the 10 commandments "thou shall not kill." This is a pretty good one. No one wants to be killed, especially for no good reason. Saying it is forbidden, most people could live with that, very literally. If it means you will go to Hell for it, well yeah sure, of course I don't want to do that. Most of the commandments follow a healthy moral code that makes for a peacefully thriving society given that everyone lives by it. I won't get into how the expansion of these rules and harnessing the power of religion has lead to the corruption of modern churches. The point of this paragraph was to discount the suggestion of "praying to God for guidance." If a belief in a higher being and a promise of eternal life post-death keeps your moral compass pointing north, that's great. Keep it up. But I'm not going to expect a holy light to shine down upon me to wash away all my bad feelings inside just because I ask. Belief is a psychological trick to motivate us into making something happen. Miracles are just the beautiful way in which the world functions. Luck. or Karma. But there are mostly an illusion. Something may seem like a miracle but really all it is a good thing happening at the same time a lot of bad things are happening so it seems extra special. Life's slight of hand trick on us. Not to sound cynical. It's nice to believe that they are real, just like magic tricks...and unicorns. It makes us feel good. I'll indulge in a few facades here and there, but I'd sooner believe in unicorns that a higher being that will save my sins. I will however, chose to live a life that I feel honors a core code of ethics that promote a positive environment. And work to maintain a balanced life.

Balance is a key word. You can never have 100% good cause even that becomes boring after awhile. And one would hope never to have 100% bad, there's usually a sliver of hope or some way of making it better. You take the good. You take the bad. You take them both and there you have... the facts of life. The facts of life.