Two shoes

This is an etching I'm working on. I've been trying it with chine colé. I'm pretty excited about it. I hope to do enough good prints to sell a couple. 

Chine colé

Etching plate

Philly Photo Day

Today is Philly Photo Day, run by the Philadelphia Photo Arts Center. Here are some of my better shots from the day. Not sure which one to submit yet.

Fall brings new things

This summer has been a bummer.

I started off excited that there was no school and thesis on my back to stress me out and that I could finally enjoy a summer again, but that was not the case. I may not have had school but I still had work, which seemed to take up just as much time and energy ( if not more energy). I've also just been feeling sick and run down which I'm sure is related to a sinusitis condition that seems to have lead to a couple other health concerns. A dental x-ray has revealed a possible (probable) infection around one of my teeth so there will be a root canal in my future. Yay. But that will clear up the infection. I'm hoping once the infection clears up that maybe my digestive tract can return to normal, since I believe that bacteria from the infection is causing heart burn and indigestion. But that's my own theory. It could be unrelated, it could be caused from stress and anxiety. Either way, I'm going to discuss with my doctor about what could be going on there.

I'm excited for Fall.

Health-wise, I'm starting to make moves to get my self back on track. Along with the doctors appts, i'm also making an effort to eat healthier, which is a little easier to do in the fall than summer. Even with all the changes happening at work right now, it should start to quiet down and the season winds down.
But the really exciting thing is that I've gotten myself back into making art again. I haven't really done much all summer (which is another reason why i've been so depressed.) Starting this week was my printmaking class at Fleisher. The first class was tues, we jumped into linoleum blocks. I thought this a good oportunity to re-do the dead bird I had worked on a while back. So far, i'm pretty pleased with how it is turning out.

The other exciting this is that I applied to a show at the Icebox Project Space/Crane Building and got in! The show is called 20/92 and will feature one minute video clips projected on the wall. The video I submitted is a clip from the waves I used in my thesis.

https://vimeo.com/73344758

So far I feel good bout where fall is taking me. Now, if only the weather will catchup.

Small...but not Restricted: Moore Call for Artists

The other day, I got a "call for artists"  in the mail for a show at Moore. The title is "Small...but not restricted." It's a juried show open to alumni.

Work should reflect the notion that small can be literal or an abstract concept. For example, small can refer to magnitude, quantity, scope, age, force, status and so many other implications. Please interpret freely and don't be limited by this small list!

I was contemplating today about what I might do and I went down into the studio to look around for ideas. I saw the boxes of slides I started to play around with and it hit me that I should try to do something with them for this show. The question then is, what do I do with them? Or more specifically, How do I display them in such a way that not only follows the theme of the show, but also reflects my vision as an artist?

 I was thinking something with slide viewers. But would they be something that people pick up? or should they be fixed to a structure?

My concern with them being picked up is that they could easily be taken. However, I like the idea of them being an object that you have to interact with. You have to physically pick it up to view the image. Either way, the viewer presents itself as an ideal vessel for the image with this prompt. A slide image is small and when viewed through a magnifying lens held to the eye, the image appears large as if it was right in front of you. This plays with a concept of scale and perception of scale.

I suppose i could get the keychain kind and have a chain attached from the viewer to a stand or structure of some-sort.

And then I have to work out which images to use or what kind of theme they should follow. Perhaps it needs to feed into the perception of scale. I have a few photos of national landmarks and mountains from out west.

 Or I could do something with the photos of my family, particularly the ones that have passed (mom, grammie, pop-pop)

And of course boats...

 Any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated.

Elaborating on my Thesis: The significance of Water

My mother and I both shared a love of being beside the water. Some of my fondest memories of her involved such moments beside the water together. The time we walked along the canal in Phoenixville, saw the fall leaves reflect in the still water and I photographed out shadows side-by-side. The time we drove up the coast of Maine to see a school, that I later determined was too far away, where we saw the waves crash against rocks and had the most amazing lobster rolls that melted in our mouths. The time we collected sea glass in Scotland with my aunt, cousin and sister, which we used later as poker chips for Texas hold 'em while eating terrible Indian food that resembled something we passed along the shore. The night we sat in total darkness just listened to the sound of waves lapping at the beach.

These memories, and more, ran through my head when I stood along the rocks on the edge of the Arran islands. I wished it to be yet another moment that I could share with her. If you have any spiritual beliefs, you can argue that she was still with me in spirit. And it is certainly nice to think of it in such a sense. That she is always with me. And standing on what felt like the edge of the world, I pretended that she was.

Mesmerized by the waves and power of the ocean, etching out nooks and crannies in a the rock, I felt compelled to film them on my iphone. Had I anticipated that I was going to do anything with them, I might have tried to get a better quality recording, but then again, it was all I had with me at the time.

It was only after returning to the studio back at Moore, that I began playing around with the video of the waves. I had been working on a piece with seaglass which was a metaphor for tragedy and healing. The sea played a big part in how the glass was smoothed, it seemed fitting to create a companion piece featuring water.

I always saw the final video being projected large. The original showing was a disappointing monitor screen. The full effect was not reached. There needed to be more impact. I wanted to invoke the same sort of awe inspiring feeling I had felt standing next to the sea as I filmed it carving into the the rock on which I stood.

It got it's second chance when it came time to work on my thesis. I wanted to try again at projecting the video in a large format. I went through several stages and ideas for how it might be projected. It the end, I ended up with a perfect structure that emphasized not only the personal connections and metaphors that related to my mother but embodied the nautical theme I had begun to work within. An old tent from my grandfather's sailboat allowed me to project the video on two sides and have the viewer sit underneath. Surround and protected. Post Tot Naufragia Portum. After so many Shipwrecks a Haven(or port).

The title couldn't be more fitting. Not only was it a Latin motto of my family name (Hine), but it symbolized my struggle both with accepting my loss and with figuring out how to make the piece itself.

I've decided to keep up the use of Latin titles for my work that I consider to be part of a Memorium Series. The original Latin phrase that inspired me to take this direction was Memento Mori, Remember your mortality. In acepting my mother's death, I too had to accept my own inevitable demise. The Memorium Series includes all the pieces revolving around death, mortality, and spirituality. The wave video has also come to know a new name for itself as a piece that could stand alone, Perpetuo Pontus. It essentially means Perpetual Sea. It seems a little redundant once translated, the sea is always perpetually in motion. But the Latin words sounded better together.

In the studio...finally!

Spent about an hour in the studio. Didn't accomplish much but it's a start. 

Do more list

I like lists. I use them a lot to organize my brain. This list is goin to be things I want to do and going to try to do in order to get me out of my current rut.

-force myself out of the house more. As in not just going to work or the store but actually going outside on a nice day for the purpose of enjoying the nice day. I succeeded so far today, though the original purpose was to go to the bank, I kept riding my bike and stopped for an iced coffee to enjoy outside. I need to take more mini adventures like this. 

-write more. Holding things inside isn't healthy. Getting thoughts out of my head, regardless if anyone reads it, is therapeutic. I feel a lot better after my last post but there's still a ways to go. I also need to start writing down my random thoughts of inspiration. They don't always come at a time that is convenient to sit and write but I just downloaded the blogger app on my phone for my on-the-go thoughts. Still requires some sitting down but its handy when I don't have paper and pen since I always have my phone. 

-art more. Hopefully writing more will lead to some artful inspiration that will eventually take a physical form. 

-be a better friend. I'm not very good at keeping in touch with people. Especially if they aren't making much of an effort either. But I did go into hiding when I started dating my girlfriend and neglected the outside world a bit. I've also turned down invites from coworkers for after work drinks just to go home an zone in front of the tv. Lame. And I really need to fill my life with more fun, positive and creative types again. 

-plan some mini and not so mini adventures. Again, getting myself out of the house on a nice day but also planning day trips or weekend excursions to see new things or old friends.

-Set up a better office space to work.  I need a new desk and to throw out (or organize into a file cabinet) a bunch of old bills and other paper stuffs. And get a new desk chair thats comfy. Having a more inviting workspace will make it more pleasurable to actually do some work. I'm also considering selling my Mac Pro tower and just hooking up the laptop with the big screen and external harddrive. But now that the fancy new macs are completely redesigned, I don't think my ginormous tower is going to be worth much any more. ...But this leads to...

-Get rid of clutter. I have things i don't use or need and i might as well try to sell them off to make a little extra money.

Something's gotta give

I'm depressed. I have been for a long time. I never sought professional help because I really have a hard time asking for help and prefer to take matters into my own hands. And it's become something I've learned to live with. It's also something that comes and goes and doesn't always feel as strong at times than others. But i decided that I would finally talk about it.

I'm not suicidal. Don't worry about that. It's not a overwhelming sense of hopelessness. It's more of a apathetic numbness. But not completely numb. I still have a care for my well being and others. I still want to enjoy life. But depression makes it a little more difficult to seek and achieve enjoyment. It makes me tired. It makes me lazy. It allows me to fall into a rut and difficult to climb out of it. Routine becomes both comfort and enemy. I work a full time job. I come home. I watch tv with my girlfriend. I go to bed. I go to work. That is the routine. A job provides motivation to get out of bed in the morning, but because it's also filled with stress and physically/mentally exhausting work, it doesn't help me feel any less depressed. "Normacy" is easy. A change can sometimes be good to shake this up enough to get out of the rut but it also can come with it's own set of stressers and complications. Thinking too much about the stressers and complication associated with the change can make it more difficult to make it. 

The last time I fell in such a rut as I am in now was back before I decided to go to grad school. I was in a similar routine; go to work, come home, watch tv, go to bed, go to work... And work was a depressing place to be. Sure, I was in the job field I had hoped for upon graduating college: publishing company, working as a designer(production artist). The job should have and could have been great. But the work environment sucked away at my soul. Without getting into the details of corruption, nepotism, and the underpaid, cranky co-workers of the company... Let's just say, I needed to get out of there and given the collapsing job market, my best bet was to go back to school. 

It was a big decision and a big leap full of many complications and stressers (that i'm feeling the full weight of now but i'll get back to that) It had to be done and I was pushed from the comfy level of apathy to a dangerous enough low that a fight or flight reaction occurred in my subconscious and the walls of depression holding me back crumbed, allowing me to push forward and through this big Change. I told myself not to worry about the money. That's what loans were for. Do what needs to be done and just keep moving forward.

School provided a nice distraction from my depression. A creative sort of therapy. An outlet. It was a strong force of motivation that kept propelling me forward whether i liked it or not. But once school was over and I was back at a job that wasn't quite what I originally had hoped for, depression set in again. More lazy than before. I used the excuse that I "worked so hard in school I needed a break." But it's been almost a year since finishing grad school and the break has become a chasm. I use the excuse "I never have time." But I do have time, that I waste in bed or on the couch...or computer, though nothing productive. Sex feels like a chore and chores feel like punishment. 

The thing about depression is that is makes it very difficult to do the things that would help you feel less depressed. It's like a parasitic entity that is keeping you alive just enough for it to survive but still sucking the life out of you. Some might say "try making small changes or adjustments to your lifestyle" Sure, that seems easy enough. But often a small change means it's easy to go back to the way things were. ie; "I'm going to eat healthier"...two weeks later, you come home from work all tired, havent had a chance to do grocery shopping and gorging on greasy fast food/take-out sounds pretty good. or "I'm going to exercise more" ...cut to a rainy day, eh i'll go tomorrow. cut to the next day, a break felt nice i'll go tomorrow. cut to 3 weeks later, i haven't been to the gym in awhile but i don't really feel like going today. How does one break the cycle? In the past, I've made significant life changes to propel move forward. Though this worked to some extent, it wasn't a very lasting effect. Eventually, the change that had propelled me forward ended (school) or became a new norm(work) thus letting the rut form again.

So know I'm working on a new plan of action. First of all, narrowing in on the root(s) of my depression and then figuring out ways in which to resolve the problem. Making and completing small lists of simple changes that have a lasting effect. ex.. a possible root lays within my job and not feeling satisfied that I am positively contributing to the world and using my skills to the best of their abilities. A small thing I can start doing is seeing if there are other opportunities within the company that could fulfill my satisfaction. I already am getting promoted so that will ease some of the work load (ironically) as well as some of my financial pressures. Another general small thing would be to reduce some of my clutter. Almost all of my bills are done online so that has helped significant with keeping track of bill statements. I plan to get a file cabinet to store any paperwork important enough to hold on to, and throw out all the rest. I also plan to start going through stuff to get rid of or sell. My siblings have been talking about doing another yard sale. By setting a goal, it creates a motivation to complete it. Especially if that goal is held with another person. The desire to not let down others outweighs the procrastinative nature of my depression.

So...I do need help. But I say this hesitantly because I don't want the kind of help like "you should really talk to someone" "you should take [this medicine]" "you should change [this] in your life" You should try [this]" Or my lease favorite: "you should pray to God" Those are not helpful.  Don't tell me what I should do. I'll make that decision myself. I also have a slight case of OCD, and have trouble relinquishing control to others. There's also some underlying mother issues in relation to my sexuality complicated by the fact that she's passed and I never heard her say "I'm okay with you being gay." Though it was somewhat implied and that's what I have to cling to...So I don't need to pay $[amount] an hour for some "doctor" to tell me these things that I'm already aware of and fill me with a prescription of pills to help me "deal" with my issues by making me numb to them...or (again) telling me the things that I should or shouldn't do to make myself feel better as if by spending a couple hours with me make him/her some sort of expert on me. I apologize if I offend but I feel like the job of a psychiatrist is to think for those who can't think for themselves. And to proscribe "happy" pills. But i'm not under valuing them because there are a lot of people better off for listening to their doctor rather then the voices in their head. I'm merely stating that it's not for me and don't suggest it or I may scream and throw my feces at you like a deranged monkey. ...just kidding but please don't suggest it.

What you can do for me...or anyone in my similar position... is offer support. Ask them out to lunch or to do [that thing they enjoy but haven't be able to get up and do on their own]. Help them set and achieve their goals, but give them the opportunity to come up with their own ideas. Give them the control. Make them feel like they have the power within themselves and you are there to support them where they need it. Create a support network. By having a group of people they can lean on for support, they are not leaning all on one person, putting a lot of pressure to always be there. Understand that everyone is different and requires different ways of motivation. Some might need a routine, a weekly or monthly meeting. Some crave adventure and spontaneity, an out of the blue invite. I... need a little of both.

Commitment and routine are some of my strongest motivators. Scheduling a class would be a perfect example. I had the Fleisher class in the winter but missed the sign up for spring. I definitely can see a difference in my mood from when I was taking the class to not. A spontaneous invite to do something new and fun is a great way to get me motivated when I feel that routine has become too predictable and boring. A fair balance of these things is the beginning of a recipe for my happiness.

There is no God. Or at least, not in the sense that he/she is a magical fairy that will grant you the answers to your prayers if you worship real hard and follow all his/her rules. No. The rules were made by The Church. Somewhere along the line, someone realized that religion was a good way to motivate people into living by a code of ethics. Those ethics often benefiting the greater society. ie, the 10 commandments "thou shall not kill." This is a pretty good one. No one wants to be killed, especially for no good reason. Saying it is forbidden, most people could live with that, very literally. If it means you will go to Hell for it, well yeah sure, of course I don't want to do that. Most of the commandments follow a healthy moral code that makes for a peacefully thriving society given that everyone lives by it. I won't get into how the expansion of these rules and harnessing the power of religion has lead to the corruption of modern churches. The point of this paragraph was to discount the suggestion of "praying to God for guidance." If a belief in a higher being and a promise of eternal life post-death keeps your moral compass pointing north, that's great. Keep it up. But I'm not going to expect a holy light to shine down upon me to wash away all my bad feelings inside just because I ask. Belief is a psychological trick to motivate us into making something happen. Miracles are just the beautiful way in which the world functions. Luck. or Karma. But there are mostly an illusion. Something may seem like a miracle but really all it is a good thing happening at the same time a lot of bad things are happening so it seems extra special. Life's slight of hand trick on us. Not to sound cynical. It's nice to believe that they are real, just like magic tricks...and unicorns. It makes us feel good. I'll indulge in a few facades here and there, but I'd sooner believe in unicorns that a higher being that will save my sins. I will however, chose to live a life that I feel honors a core code of ethics that promote a positive environment. And work to maintain a balanced life.

Balance is a key word. You can never have 100% good cause even that becomes boring after awhile. And one would hope never to have 100% bad, there's usually a sliver of hope or some way of making it better. You take the good. You take the bad. You take them both and there you have... the facts of life. The facts of life.

Me-hi-koh

Well, bummer... I submitted work to the show at the Philadelphia Photo Art Center but didn't get in.

However, good news! I was in Mexico for vacation and was able to add to my ashes to ashes project.


The first spot is in the ancient Mayan city of Coba. We climbed up the steps of a temple with a breath taking view of the area and a spread some ashes at the top.

The second location was down by the beach.

Also, I took more waves video

(having trouble uploading video...)

Also there were cool birds and animals chillin' all around the resort

Also...yesterday was my birthday...woo...